untitled.

I still think about it…about what you did.

Late at night when I am trying to fall asleep, I always think back to it, and it makes for many sleepless nights.

Trust me, I don’t want to think about it anymore. I wish I could forget about it.

Actually, I wish it never happened in the first place.

I keep giving you chances after chances because I honestly do not want to live out the rest of my life without you.

I’m not going to be like one of those girls who says, “I don’t even know what I’d do without you,” or “I couldn’t live without you.”

Because let’s be honest…I could. I could do it, but I never want to.

My trust in you is shattered. 

I want you to fix it. I want everything to be good again. I really do.

But I can’t sit back and lie and say that it’ll be alright with time because I don’t know that.

Even right now, I’m wondering if you’re actually at home, trying to sleep, like you said you were.

I’m wondering if you’re lying to me, and making the same bad decisions you’ve been making.

I’m wondering if I’ll find out secrets again, and if you’ll give me the same answer to my question as to why you did it.

“I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t thinking and it meant nothing for either one of us.”

“I screwed up, Taylor. I want to be a better man for you.”

You could be speaking the truth, but you could also be lying.

I hope it’s the truth. 

But all I know from you are lies and more lies.

I can’t tell what’s truthful and what’s not anymore.

I opened myself up to you. I TRUSTED you with my whole being, and now I feel like everything is destroyed.

My heart.

My mindset.

My confidence.

My spirit.

My soul.

I don’t feel like I even know myself anymore.

The Taylor from a year ago would be so disappointed in me, and that makes me feel like a failure. 

written thoughts that I should probably actually say out loud.

I’ve always had a problem with rejection. It’s been one of my worst fears. It’s one of the reasons I never tried out for teams or clubs because I was so afraid of not making the cut. This situation makes me feel as if you’re picking that girl for the moment being instead of something real with me.

I will learn to forgive you but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget, and it also doesn’t mean that I’ll condone that type of behavior.You need to earn my trust back, it is not that I have to learn to trust you again.

“Not thinking” can’t be an excuse anymore. I won’t allow it. If you still want me in your life, I need you to change, and if you actually show me wholeheartedly that you do want to and will change, I will 100% help you anyway I can.

I need to see that you will always be trying. 

If you apologize and try to get me to forgive you and it doesn’t happen right away and you stop because you don’t think I’ll even forgive you, it’s almost the same thing as admitting that working us out isn’t worth it if it takes time.

I still love you, and I’m always going to want you but if this keeps happening, no matter how hard it will be for me, I won’t keep putting myself through this. I don’t deserve this. If I put 50% into this, you need to put the other 50% as well. There’s not going to be anymore 80/20 or even 100/0 deals. No matter how much I love you, if you can not treat me with the amount of respect, loyalty, and love I deserve, I won’t keep coming back because I will not be taken for granted anymore. I want you to realize that you CAN lose me. I’m not something that is a 100% guarantee to stay if you treat me with disrespect and disloyalty.

But I will say, if you treat me correctly, as in you love me, respect me, are loyal to me, and don’t take me for granted, I’m not going anywhere.

I’d stay here with you for good.

broken trust

The next time I saw you after you told me what you did, I froze.

I didn’t know what to say to you, or if I should say anything to you. 

Because every time I looked at you, I saw her. 

I still see her… actually, I see more than just her. I see her, and about a dozen other girls…

It’s been a very long time since I’ve actually felt very self-conscious. Just knowing that I couldn’t keep your attention made me feel that way. Because you could take my attention away from anything by just walking into a room, and I couldn’t even take your attention off of other attractive girls.

So I froze. 

It felt as if I didn’t even know you anymore, almost as if you were a stranger.

I felt awkward around you, and I still feel that way sometimes. 

I want everything to go back to the way it was so badly, so so badly. 

But I don’t know if it can after this.

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